


Burning Bright Right Till The End

by The_wastedworld



Series: Good Grief [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Grief, Guilt, Jemma Simmons Needs a Hug, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, basically jemma being consumed by guilt constantly, she deserves the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:00:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24882721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_wastedworld/pseuds/The_wastedworld
Summary: "Jemma Simmons will blame herself for any problem ever in the world, whether she's truly guilty or not.” - Jeff BellJemma "feels more guilt than any other person ever" Simmons
Relationships: Jemma Simmons & Agents of SHIELD Team, Jemma Simmons & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Leo Fitz & Jemma Simmons, Leo Fitz/Jemma Simmons, Phil Coulson & Jemma Simmons
Series: Good Grief [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1800529
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	Burning Bright Right Till The End

To say Jemma Simmons felt guilt more strongly than the average person would be quite an understatement. It was a fact - an undeniable truth - that if there was any way to possibly blame herself, Jemma would find it. 

It had been discussed countless times amongst the team: Coulson using it as proof whenever he tried to push her into discussions with Andrew, Daisy using it to make jokes about english repression. Fitz had always just considered it as part of her, never given it much thought other than to occassionally resent the pain it put the woman he loved through. He'd lost count of how many times he'd had to hold her hand and whisper "it's not your fault, Jem. You did everything you could." 

It took Jemma years to realise guilt was such a prominent part of her character. She'd never given it much thought, until she'd sat there with her hand holding his, watching the oxygen monitor breathe for him, knowing it had all been for her. 

Over the following years, she was given ample reasons to feel guilty. It became something which simply felt part of her. By the time he had woken up, it had reached new levels, spiking every time she heard him stutter. When she left, it only got worse, something which threatened to overwhelm her every time she entered the apartment which she refused to call home, even months later. The sleepless nights following her return to SHIELD were somehow worse - the nights spent having panic attacks as May or, surprisingly, Hunter, coached her through them seemed even lonelier than when she was truly alone. Now she not only had the guilt of knowing he'd chosen to die than live without her, but the guilt of abandoning him, the guilt of leaving her friends, threatened to bury her. She found it hard to breathe most of the time, the guilt choking her.

After Maveth, the guilt - at least, to start with - was to overwhelmed by the trauma. How could she begin to feel guilty when every movement scared her, when she couldn't close her eyes without being taken back into her nightmares. When the trauma and shock of being home faded, that was when the guilt took over. Leaving Will was one thing, but learning the lengths that Fitz had gone to destroyed her. The video of him screaming at the monolith threatened to push her to new levels of self-hatred, making it hard to get out of bed. She worked her way through the next few months in a haze of fear and panic, but guilt always seemed to overwhelm everything. When she and Fitz took significant step forwards in their relationship, it almost helped - almost. It made it so she could almost get through the day without it clouding her judgement. It would appear without warning, sometimes when she merely looked at Fitz from a certain angle, or saw May's wince whenever Andrew was mentioned, but it was bearable.

And then Lincoln died. She hadn't known him very well, but he'd always reminded her of certain parts of Fitz - he shared the quality which scared her the most. Watching him put his life on the line for Daisy, over and over again, bought back countless painful memories, but she'd always admired him. The guilt surrounding his death wasn't related to his death exactly, but more the pain it had caused Daisy. She'd had countless fights with Fitz over when they would tell the team about their relationship. It had always been her holding back, holding onto the ever present thought that she didn't deserve this. When Lincoln died, she'd almost been ready, and then seeing Daisy's heartbreak - one which she had come so close to experiencing so many times - it sent her back into the corner of self doubt again. No matter how many times Fitz assured her that she deserved happiness just as much as everyone else, she still struggled with actually accepting it. By the time she'd finally become more secure in her long-last found peace, the guilt had become managable. For perhaps the first time since her late teens, she hadn't felt as though she shouldered the entire weight of the world.

And then the Framework happened, and she got a glimpse of what Fitz had dealt with for years. For once it was her reassuring him, holding his hand and squeezing it whenever the guilt overwhelmed him, and yet she still felt it. Guilt mixed with her pain at seeing him fall apart again panicked her, but it was managable - she only allowed herself to waver when she was alone, unable to put any more on Fitz. 

When in space, the guilt was the weakest it had been for most her life. She felt almost everything else - panic at being in space again, constant grief at having Fitz torn from her again, anxiety over everyone's future, but her relief at Fitz not having to go through this with them all prevented any guilt. She would do anything to protect him from this, even if that meant separating herself from him again. It was better that he wasn't here. This was her constant mantra, something she would find herself muttering under her breath as she lay in the dark each night. 

Regardless of her attempts to convince herself otherwise, the sight of Fitz appearing in front of her filled her with so much relief that it caused her to feel faint, gripping the wall for balance. As hard as she tried to trick herself that it was better to be apart, even being within the same decade as each other felt as though the universe had righted itself somehow. She didn't actually register feeling anything other than stress and elation until they got back home, the proposal and their return home causing so much relief that she didn't even get to process any possible guilt she could feel about needing to be rescued once again. Over the next week or so, she felt as though her head was being torn in two - the elation of being married, finally, mixing with the inexplicable guilt and grief she felt whenever she considered losing Coulson. She was the team doctor, and she couldn't forgive herself for not noticing his illness. She spent the few nights lying awake, trying to take comfort in finally getting to sleep next to Fitz as a married couple, finally. That thought was the only thing keeping her head above the water as it threatened to pull her down into the pit of anxiety about saving Coulson, something which largely fell to her.

As she sat in the corridor a night later, throwing up as Deke held her hair back, the guilt truly pulled her under. She could trick herself into thinking Coulson could hide his illness from her because of the unusual nature of his sickness, and the constant danger keeping them apart, but Fitz? To her, that was unforgivable. She'd laid in bed every night next to him, unaware of the storm happening in her brain. She felt as though she'd not only failed as a doctor, but as a wife. It sickened her - emotionally and literally - and she couldn't even imagine feeling worse than she did as she watched the man fall apart.

God, how she was wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twitter : @the_wastedworld :)


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